and parents always said I was only motivated by money. Pfft they forgot vodka.
Def ran into my elementary school babysitter at the grocery store. Still hot. And she complimented my beer choice. It feels good to still have her approval
I'm at the cafe. It's 7am. There is a girl I don't know on my futon who tried to tickle me this morning when I got down from my loft. I also not wearing any underwear.
It didn't get weird until she took off her underwear, looked down, and said "fill her up!"
Using 'equal to a modern day cock block" in term paper, inappropriate
Just had a thought: were the sirens on when we were in the ambulance?
I thought stuff was gonna go really bad after he filled the super-soaker with kerosene. but it all turned out pretty well.
It's a system.. i get to hook up with them and you get to play words with friends with them afterwards.
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
We are gunna have the best winter break smoking weed and eating ham
Have you ever come so hard that right after you have the urge to yell "make me a sandwich!"? ...I think my ovaries turned into testicles.
Dude I was tripping acid when she was crying and I literally couldn't defend myself
I've seen you go skiing on a Tuesday, but you think you're too good for TGI Friday's?
One of your 'guests' left her bra in the kitchen.
Dude, does it look like any of the women I bring home wear bras?
Must lick fork, like it's a DICK
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