Hahahhahaha! Oooh get it! Ugh I am so dead but if I go to the lib whuich I will hopefully b havung sex instead, ill hit u up
I just had unprotected sex with a stranger. but i did him wearing nothing but my pearls. so its classy.
I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
I shagged another guy with one ball last night. Are there really that many dudes with one nut in la or am I just a magnet for prostetic testes?
They turned the water off again. Brushed my teeth with whats left from those pitchers of mojitos. So hung over i dont even care.
A black suburban rolled up and a scary suited guy got out the passenger side and opened the door for her as she got in. Then drive off. Who did I just fuck?
He peed in the bird bath. Those birds are gonna be pissed
I was walking around the party holding a dog on my shoulder like it was a parrot
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
Hey so I got my period
Thank god I wasn't ready to deal with sober you for 9 months
I don't want to spend an inordinate amount of time with you, I want to have sex with you. Duhhhhhh.
Something is wrong here. The birds are chirping and I'm not fucking you, I'm not getting head and I don't smell bacon. Why am I up this early then?
Hey! Its not the first time I've been eaten out in a bridesmaids dress in a church by a groomsman!
Granted, I did not plan to spend ANY hour of the last day of 2020 sober.
Randomize
