I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
i don't know what the guinness world record is for longest time eating nothing but skittles but i'm going on six days
I guess I should mention that I have already fucked the Fed Ex guy.
That changes everything.
Whatever you do to me, stop, I found yet another blonde hair in my asshole.
He is to the point where he forgot I was in the front seat of his car while he was taking me home...that stoned
I just found my coat check number in my underwear.
I decided that Calgary can keep my underwear. They earned it.
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
We smoked a bowl, ate popcorn, and watched her lava lamp for an hour. it was a quality bonding experience
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
I mean. I'm excited for the Seahawks too. I just love nachos.
My walk of shame is starting to become positively reinforcing; I stop by Starbucks and when I leave I look someone just heading to work.
This guy knew what he was doing. Most guys can't find the spot even if it shot off a flare and played a kazoo.
Randomize
