I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
If I saw her on the street and didn't know about the two of them, I would think the only way she'd ever find love was if she somehow found her way to middle earth and an orc took her in
I bought the tickets, he brought the weed. thanks to you, we had to roll a joint out of my bible paper.
There's banana everywhere and your hamster may or may not have stayed the night in the microwave...
I either just got free sex or a nice jail sentence. Text me in 10 to verify.
She rode an inflatable shark down the stairs. Viva shark week.
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
Well, we ended up labeling the relationship. We are now each other's designated butt-toucher.
I'm cooling my balls with a beer because I'm too cheap to turn on the AC
It's true. There would need to be A LOT of data collection. Aka, dick-catching. I volunteer as tribute.
Like seriously, I would not be going if there wasn't pizza
My friends say stay away from him but it’s still 2017 so I’m allowed to make shit decisions until midnight hahah
No one can explain why there is Dora the Explorer shampoo in my shower...
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