I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
Um, I don't really remember much about the event... and then I woke up on the metro..
Everytime I cough, my tampon falls out a little bit. Does this mean I'm loose?
There are now half chewed girl scout cookies plastered to my windshield. Do you know anything about this?
I hope my shame shaped pee stain outside your door goes away soon.
I mean Grimace is basically just a big piece of purple shit and he is loved way more than the hamburglar just to put it into perspective
Need. Hospital. Physically am floating.
230 lb girl across the train from me is giving a dude in a kilt a handjob while he sits in her lap
who dressed up as a cop at your party???
idk I have to check. Why?
he gave me the best strip search of my life. FIND HIM.
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
while giving me head, she stopped, looked up at me smiling and said "ill never be able to look at bananas the same way again" and then went back to work.
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
so i find a box of condoms inside my car with turn by turn directions to her bedroom... kinda freaked out cause she got my address and somehow inside my car
I'm just really glad SD weather is so erratic so I can get away with wearing a scarf in May to cover up these hickeys.
Randomize
