Tomorrow will not be complet unless someone eats me out. Just sayin
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
If i theoretically had to put an iv back in what do I need to do?
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
You better wipe the dick of your lips before you come smoke this blunt.
I refuse to have sex with you and your eBay condoms.
Hey remember that night when you sang Fergie to me? I think that's the exact moment in time when the thought "I could be faithful to this man" came into serious consideration.
Any clothing i put on is too many clothes.
Let's just say after this weekend I'm known as Shameous the Irish bar fighter.
Please stop letting me make out with hot lesbians.
Definitely not. I may be your best friend, but first and foremost I am a guy. Please continue.
First time for everything: started posting a Facebook comment, decided I'm not quite sober enough. Progress.
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
Just so you know.. If you ever cheat on me, i will cut your dick and fingers off and post them as my cover photo on Facebook. Love you.
Typical. We're ready to go, and you're not wearing pants.
I actually talked to his parents last night about it. haha. I had a bottle of smirnoff in my hand, I'm sure they took me serious.
Randomize
