I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
the fair has chocolate covered bacon...impossible is nothing.
Yeah i wasn't gonna go out but then i was like im not gonna get my dick wet stayin at home studying
For a day that started with shitting my pants, things turned out fairly well.
Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
As I was going down on her I noticed she had a tatoo on her inner thigh that said "Eat it like your birthday cake".
I may still return these pants. Depends how much they smell like alcohol by tmrw morning. I've already spilled once.
the potatoes in the margarita machine wasn't the breaking point. its when he turned on the stove and put a bunch of bottle rockets on it that i knew the night had prematurely failed
One day, tell me please to stop buying shots when I'm overwhelmed. I might have just broken a tooth
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
Clearly it doesn't get better with age. Just more sexual
You were holding onto her boobs like you were adrift at sea and they were the only flotation devices
Can we get pizza? This is seriously not a booty call. I just really want someone to get pizza with me.
When i said you could use my car and have sex in the back....i wasn't being serious.
there must be tiny pirates in the freezer stealing our rum.
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