What was that guy's name that you dated that wore the leotard?
yeah...it smells like an asshole would smell if someone ate sewage.
I wish we never smoked. I'm literally laying in bed opening and closing my eyes, just hoping a hot dog stand will appear in the room.
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
You leave a trail of fuck everywhere you go
just had to explain to the health center why i wanted 50 condoms a month.
He needs to stop telling me how much he respects me. What does that even mean
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
Brunch got away from me. I might be a little high.
don't worry about my dad. he just hates you because you're liberal, not because we're fucking.
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
Why were you doing tequila shots out of Boston Pizza dip containers?
I'm making a will, in it I'm leaving you my skull.
I just bought spray paint, a T-shirt, and a box of magnum condoms. The cashier refused to make eye contact! Haha
help. his tongue is stuck. Its not what you think. Hurry.
Randomize
