Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
The seats are awesome but you see two of each player.
Hiding in the clothes rack at walmart like a 4 year old. Already scared 3 people. New fav weekend activity
just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
I'm really sorry we tried to have sex on top of you last night.
According to the red cross, I'm not suppose to do anything strenuous for the next 24 hours. That means you're on top.
I shall welcome him into my body with an open liver and completely lay down all chance of resistance. Sweet Zeus, please take me to Mt. Olympus and share all that is divine. I promise, the secrets will be safe with me
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.. I just figured you were drunk and needed somewhere to crash, but your no where to be found. I'll I have is this corn dog. call me when you get this. I'm worried! --mom
He told me how it ended, then I blew him.
So he ruined the best cinematic experience of your life and you REWARDED him??
$1 drinks and Playboy theme. I am never leaving this place
My sexual preferences tend to require a degree in psychology to understand
I feel like I had a successful night. I flashed the guy at the liquor store last night for 2 free tshirts and a giant redbull.
He passed out in my car.
What's the problem?
HE'S STILL IN MY FUCKING CAR.
Found your bra in my backseat. And yes it took me that long to finally clean it out from last weekend
Didn't even know it was missing, if that makes you feel any better
Randomize
