You're never going to guess who I just worked out next to..
Who?
Chris brown
No way... I bet he was intense
Are you kidding? He was prob training for round two
My e-date is really photogenic. Real-life not so much
period poops. best. ever.
omigod im sitting here with ben and he and i both got that...chick you totally just mass texted that...
Just got an email from TMobile. Said they were going to pursue "more qualified" candidates. So this is what rock bottom feels like.
They thought we spoke German and French even though we just kept repeating "I give to you a cat" and "Are you drunk?"
She introduced herself as 'Ann the sober one.' Took me to a coat check and a lost and found. Then offered coffee and breakfast sandwiches. Turns out she's been paying her half of the electric bill running post-party operations.
Don't bother coming over to clean the mess. I already paid two kids 5 bucks for it, just didn't tell them you peed all over the place. You do owe me 5 bucks though
i love that feeling when you wake up and have no idea how you got back to your dorm or why you have mac and cheese on your cheeks and eyelashes in your mouth
James this is colleen. This is my new number. You just texted my grandma about getting cockblocked. Congratulations.
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
I'm beginning to think the entirety of my appeal is due to the size of my ass.
god dammit I AM NO LONGER PUTTING UP WITH YOUR HETEROSEXUALITY I QUIT
How am I supposed to buy weed and pancake mix when it's raining?
I flashed my boobs, shit my pants, and kissed the wrong twin. I'm on a roll you don't want in on.
He showed up at my house drunk with a pizza and said he wanted to lazily finger me while I watched supernatural. Who was I to say no?
Randomize
