Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
I cannot believe you needed a note to remind yourself to ask me about the fourteen sleeping Mexicans.
He just said "Chunky" very loudly in his sleep.
its my first week of college and i have a UTI
not easy being a whore now is it
Woke up this morning in a randoms bed clutching an airplane ticket. God I hope I'm still in the country
Maybe not, but you have to admit watching him get hit by the car was gratifying
Seriously just confirmed via our bathroom scale that a keg weighs 170lbs
I have a surprise for you
Is it drugs? I want drugs. Or a puppy!
maybe facebook could make a notification like "someone tagged a photo of that guy you used to bang and still think is really hot with his shirt off"
I'm going to a one year olds birthday party to smoke weed. What has my life become.
Did you or did you not grab my boob while I was making out with the foreign kid?
He finger blasted me like an angel dude
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
Your mom has reinvented the use of a ping pong ball.
I sent her a dick pic and used brett Favre's dick pick. She asked me why I had pictures of old men's dicks saved on my phone... I just can't win bro
Randomize
