please don't let me die tonight
what have you done for me lately?
At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
I can hear the condescending tone from the atm when it asks if $3 is all I would like to deposit
Also I'm 95 percent positive we ate food naked together
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
I know you claim to have a large penis but I do not believe in what i cannot see. Sort of like god.
You should make cookies and when I get home we can have a slow motion hug and eat them
I had to explain to my dentist that my tooth was chipped because we designated my mouth as the official way to open beer. I feel like our level of partying is no longer socially acceptable.
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
Not gonna make it. My ovaries are playing laser tag
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
like i got into his car and the beatles were playing. this kid is def getting his dick sucked
I had a dream last night that I answered the phone and after I said hello, Shia Lebeouf started yelling "DO IT! JUST DO IT!" That's when I knew, I had officially become meme trash.
My penis definitely considers my Captain Cock costume a success
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