Living well is not the best revenge. Fucking his brother is.
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
#1 benefit of having an equality sticker on my car: some girl flashed me while i was driving home
sleazy september. first one with mono loses.
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
Just want to let you know thanks for setting the bar pretty low when it comes to girls.
He kept asking for nudes so I sent him a picture another guys dick. He called me ruthless.
tom claimed she had a star tattooed around her buttonhole. i am not prepared for this era of skankyness
St. Patrick's day can kiss my ass. Still hungover. I guess I showed up at my gym blacked out yesterday morning. Like im not missing a gym day b
Someone took a shit in the house somewhere and I STILL can't find it. I'm just going to move.
I just poured two shots of fireball into my Rapunzel mug I love finals.
He just ate a tooth whitening strip...
why is there glitter IN my vagina????
In California. Through an entire game + OT. That’s a long time to have an octopus in your pants.
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