One night stand!! Now I'm pissing excellence
That burning is chlamydia
we just decided that lesbian tuesdays are a must, as of tomorrow.
It's not normal to lose a tooth eating a McDouble.
I almost punched the night nurse in her face. I woke up and she was standing over me.
No... No really he actually thought the condom was meant for his hand...
I'm not drunk enough to eat silly string
So far, my day has been sparkling with the tears of a thousand rainbow unicorns. I'd say this is quality shit you've grown.
Sorry there's no emoticon for I got my period all over a guy's bed so I had to improvise. There isn't even a bed one
Its not like i paid for sex. She was stuck there, we simply exchanged rides.
Seriously. We gorilla glued our hands together. Eating pizza last night was impossible.
apparently they stopped looking at spit swabs under the microscope in bio ever since they found a sperm cell in one students sample
Despite popular belief cocaine is not a good pre-workout
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
So he apologized for peeing on my floor.. then we fucked all night.
Real classy
Randomize
