Some guy just watched me feed 30 dimes and 3 quarters for bread and cheese at the self checkout at walmart. I no longer comprehend shame...
you pissed in the sink and didnt realize it until it was time to wash your hands
slowly transforming into a stationary lump of steel. how can you tell me that was JUST weed
why do you have a stuffed bear wearing a thong and a seatbelt in your backseat??
You sent her a pic of your dick with 'guess what you cant have anymore' written on it with a marker.
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
Yeah. You can ask him out. We're just fuck buddies. My vagina will be sad but your heart can be happy.
Jail is not for me. They portion control your meals and I don't really like that.
There are so many things that would come back to haunt me if I ran for President someday.
like that video of you mad stoned vomiting in the bdubs parking lot after going to a pizza buffet screaming how you needed to make room for froyo
Wat
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
idk wtf was in that bud but I was talking to my dead dog last night bro holy shit
Stuck in the Minneapolis airport for 3 hours with an expense budget and a wine bar. This could get out of hand quickly.
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
I have a guy for practically everything... except for making me waffles on demand. will u be my waffle guy?
Good, I've got all this booze. It's intimidating to be in the room alone with it..
Randomize
