I'm half single.
Please tell me it's the bottom half.
Yes. Hungover. All the boys are going wakeboarding. Boys only. I wish I was a gay guy so I could go wakeboarding but still suck dick.
I just realized that "Hey girl, when you gonna let me tap that?" is in iambic pentameter. I'm going to write a poem...
So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
i just realized i dont have a sober facebook picture since 2007
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
Don't feel bad sweetie, you're not the only classy one in town. I'm still driving around with that tupperware of tequila in my cup holder from last week's Margarita Monday.
Not sure I just ate a really big pot brownie, I feel like my future is uncertain
WHY did you say no to the sex seance?
Downloaded the Pocket Penguin app. There are now penguins living in my phone. Technology is wonderful.
so she gave me back a bag of clothing, had some boxers in it...they werent mine.... well that sums up 5 years of my life
Woke up eating a pickle on the bathroom floor this morning in some random guys sweat pants.
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
What the fuck was I thinking eating an entire tub of potato salad on acid. My stomach today bro
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