He wanted me to blow him while he was playing guitar hero. there will not be a second date
**i WaNt TO sLaP mY niECe wHO ThINks iT iS cUte tO WriTE LiKE tHiS**
he shattered multiple jars of jelly against his roommates doors last night. this morning the asian one wouldn't even talk to him because he thought he was gonna get beaten up
U of I kids don't fist pump to Sweet Caroline. Get me the fuck out of here.
So many bounce houses so little time
at roughly 3:30am you called me saying you were gonna start a big game of strip twister in politics class and i was your partner.
Sorry I sent so many blank messages. My hands are slippery. Don't ask why.
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
You didn't say, "No." And you stole more than half of my Snickers. You owed me that dick.
So he drunk messaged me last night telling me he wants a baby. Think I should call his bluff?
PLEASE HELP ME THE AMERICANS ARE YELLING ABOUT TURKEY, I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO
Cancelling your gym membership calls for alcohol.
After last night I am convinced that you are the human embodiment of alcoholism and bad decisions.
Just called to hear your voice and talk about pizza.
He took home that trashy slut from Bama but a NFL Lineman was just in my DMs so... who’s the real winner here
Randomize
