ur dog is so gonna tell on us one day.
for doing what?
for smoking bowls out on the deck while your parents aren't home.
a/c is broke at work...just took my panties off at my desk and the janitor saw it...might have a date for later. let you know
I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
woke up in a freezing tub of water at 6 am again. probably should stop the drunk baths
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
Hopefully. Play it cool. Bust out a few jokes. Chew with your mouth closed and show your boobs.
Lets go see if some hobos will give us a prostate massage for a 40 ounce.
I met a bunch of Germans and said in german "this is for the fatherland" and poured a beer on my head
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
it's finals week and we've been blasting country porch drinkin since 10AM. there's been like 4 tweets about hearin us on the other side of campus
30 year old woman with braces and crocs came into the store today with her boyfriend. what am I doing wrong.
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
We were mid fuck, and he did a Kermit the Frog impression. Is it weird that I was strangely turned on?
in a meeting in my bathtub while predrinkin for tonight. technology.
That seems dangerous to buy acid from a stranger on craigslist
Randomize
