sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
No I'm not okay I had a crush on the singer of Tokio Hotel for four months and now you tell me he's a dude?
mom and dad are leaving for florida on 4/20, this is a sign
It's when I'm in my pajamas and in need of a gin delivery that I miss NYC most of all.
You're asking the wrong person. I was drunk on nyquil and jager.
I swear my vagina formed calluses just to deal with how big he is
I don't think anybody else enjoys making out with multiple guys on the same night as much as I do. I'm like a wine taster but with lips... it's like art to me. The bruise on my upper lip is proof of it
Pizza rolls are incredible. They are like sex, except I have them sometimes
I think if wine wasn't a thing I'd give up on life.
Being able to fart in my own house is like 90% of why I pay rent
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
We're gonna have to check the security cameras after last night
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
Hypothetically speaking, if a girl asks you to fuck her wearing only your hockey helmet, is that socially acceptable?
Went upstairs to make PopTarts, found the door open. Shut it. Saw a grey thing. Opened the door, found a girl sleeping outside. What the fuck happened last nigh
Randomize
