i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
i havee beer in my backseat and a glow in the dark condom in my cleaveage.
you're going for the gold here.
this girl literally referred to her butthole as her "back pussy"
he was so high, he talked to my goldfish for an hour telling him the dangers of overfeeding.
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
He just made a mudslide using rubinoff and swiss miss packets. This can't end well....
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
He managed to tell me he was blind in one eye and convince me to have sex with him in the same conversation. It's love.
There's puke on my pillow. I'm still wearing my wedges. And I have a cab drivers number clutched in my fist.
5am update: in a toga seeing triple made out with both sexes
I hope your fat roommate breaks the bunkbed and crushes you in your sleep
Update: pile o Coke party starting at approx 4 - 7 and going until 1ish to celebrate our founding fathers and love of cocaine and hatred of everyone\n
We found him sitting in the back of the club crying into a strippers lap. She told us he missed his pet frog and to come back later.
I'm eating chicken wings naked and hungover at 10am... Happy bday to me
Dude. Don't do acid and go to Disney on ice. Hear my warnings. That snow monster will fuck your shit up.
Randomize
