shit! I think I may have lost something in your car. Look for anything that can possibly belong to me, especially look out for a pair of pink panties in a ziplock. I lost my spare and you better find it before someone else does.
I call biggest shit show at the party. I welcome all challengers.
This pizza tastes like mashed potatoes. HOW HIGH DO YOU THINK I AM?
I knew he cared when I got his text "happy birthday to the girl who gives phenomenal head"
Well apparently I'm no fun since I won't have a threesome with him and my mother.
Idk. Each time I ask him about double teaming a woman with Dennis Rodman he just giggles. We will never know what to believe.
It feels like my uterus is trying to crawl out of my ass wearing cleats. And yourself?
javelin tossed one of my crutches in to the mosh pit at the concert, hit some dude in the temple hahah fuck him he sucks
Showed up physical therapy hammered. The therapist just says this isnt part of the program.
But seriously who drew a dick on a tortilla and nailed it to the door?
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
lets face it, we have a liquor cabinet with a designated chocolate shelf
My mom is dancing slutty on the bar I need more drinks to be ok with this
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
Randomize