I would have been "that girl" at the party last night if it wasn't for that girl who puked in the potted plant...
I don't even know how sober sex starts anymore
I just took boredom to a whole new level. I just auto-tuned and remixed today's western civ lecture
airport. 106 proof japanese liquor. 4 little travel size containers. im proud to be smarter than the average american.
I just realized I am holding a beer in 133 out of 134 photos of me on my facebook page.
Nobody is perfect
I'm at Waffle House wearing one of the paper hats in the other
Hes the only one i know who can talk to a girl for an entire hour abuot the science in starwars and still get laid.
Well someone has to be the Christmas slut at the family dinner. I suppose it's my year to fill those shoes.
I should have to wear a sign around the rest of the day so everyone knows the shame I feel.
New term. "Find a husband" fridays. It's like thirsty thursdays, but with a dowry.
hey, its the girl who gave you a bloody nose and paid you back with a blow job. have you seen my shoes?
I woke up covered in his pee. And then he poked me on Facebook.
I feel like our lives always have been and always will be a never ending drunken rampage full of pregnancy scares and lost brain cells
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
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