Someones car got stolen, everyone is yelling, and im drunk just sayin yeah buddy over and over again
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
I am drinking at a movie theater seeing a children's movie, 2nd time this week
Dude. I kneed him in the face and gave him a black eye. It's like a constant reminder of our hookup. I feel like herpes. I never go away...
Get dressed, I have 50$ and you need a new beer pong table since we threw yours off the 8th floor last night.
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
We don't have sex anymore. We both agree that the olympics are more important to watch. All day. Also i don't look good compared to the athletes...
Her tits are absolutely massive. Like ripleys believe it or not shit
I met a gypsy today. She told me my soul animal was an owl and says she will now remember me as "Owl Girl".
Um. Did you take a picture of me with a giant dildo after we went bowling?
If there aren't any tits where you are, you're doing it wrong.
But no. So do not give him one damn penny. Unless they are in a sock and you are hitting him with it.
I'm sorry about the fire. I was too fucked up to do science, apparently.
Going through his web history. 10 hours ago he searched "how to put on condom with your teeth" I think I'm getting it tonight.
Of course he’s dumb. He’s got a 9 inch dick! There’s not enough blood in his body for a big dick and a big brain. It’s science
Randomize
