I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
yea i came on her face and told her to bring a snorkel next time
I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
Rode a jet ski for the first time three days after I lost my virginity. Hell of a week for my vagina.
He dated me before I started drinking. I feel like he deserves a consolation bj for all the effort he had to put in to get in my pants.
I want you to come here and listen to her climax and then tell me how funny you think it is.
My goal for break? Fuck all my exes in reverse order.
I have reached the point in my life where I realized this is what I'm going to do for the rest of my life. Eat, shit , bar, drink, drank, drunk.
Shit ive learned: when going out to a party, always wear a bathing suit underneath just in case theres a pool with a roof next to it
Any day that has a special name thats capitalized means you need to need to call in sick and get day drunk. That's why they are there.
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
Boobs are out for the taking
my experiences serve only to benefit you young virgin
Bro.. I am absolutely going to have sex with our old middle school health teacher
Went to a club yesterday was dirty dancing with this guy, reached back to move my hair and punched him in the face.
ANTI-GAME
I am so proud to call you my friend
Randomize
