I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
You look just like Jennifer Aniston on food.
I just made $100 from people paying me not to get naked at the party... I need those P90X dvds
He gave me an orgasm with his left hand...and he's right handed. Of course he's a keeper.
I kept pulling the $1 bills off the stage and told everyone "no no no she has to work for this money"
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
I don't remember because I was drunk out of my mind, but I have it on good authority that weed cinnamon buns at 3 in the morning with chocolate milk are better than sex.
i want to go make food but i'll have to face my mom after telling her that the random i'm sleeping with, whose name i don't know, told me I was "too slutty to be his girlfriend" when i was drunk last night
She said pants are for pussies while spooning peanut butter onto her frosted flakes with a serving spoon. She's not even high yet.
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
I know but at least you've never been asked to have sex dressed up like Catwoman
You mowed a straight line through three yards because you were, and I fucking quote, "In the zone." I think they know.
I'm like the big dick whisperer.
Day one of being single and I've came three times. I can get used to this.
you going clubbing tonight?
well its tuesday isnt it
Randomize
