he wouldn't shut up and let me sleep
yeah i got into a fight with my man last night
why can't men just shut up and put out?
I thought if I stared at him long enough he'd walk me to my car. but he didn't. he dddidn't. i rreally thought i had those powers.
the way she shouted out instructions during sex made me feel like I was having sex with my gym teacher
A very small part of me wants you to appreciate me for more than just my breasts. But the rest of me is breasts.
Just puked up hair, tacos and vodka. Hello Memorial Day weekend.
I lull them into a false sense of security with my gayness. Then when they're vulnerable, I strike, like a snake. A big non-gay snake, with huge balls.
The bed I'm sleeping in has a headboard only handcuffs could love. I'm gonna pick up a local dude and wreck that.
I WILL NOURISH YOU WITH SOUP AND PENIS!!!!!! And a sandwich of your choosing.......you like turkey?
The real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch Buck Rodgers on Tuesday.
Hold on - sidebar. My best friend just threw a 40 pack of condoms through my window.
My apartment is also really close to an alcohol rehab in case I get out of hand
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
Walk of shame through Chipotle? Check.
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
I'll text you when I have a mental breakdown about it.
Please do.
Randomize
