I woke up this morning to 4 booty call texts. So i am trying to find the sign that says i like to sit on cocks so that i can take it off.
trust me, i wonder where that sign is on a daily basis.
Whats the opposite of morning wood? Whatever its called, everyone saw it when it fell out.
8am blowjobs give a whole new meaning to morning breath..
Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
With any luck I will spend the duration of this flight with my tray table up my seatbelt securely fastened and my face in his lap
He told me to fuck off at some point in the night. I think it was right before he jumped out of a moving car trying to get to another bar and made Abby cry.
At some point, it turned less into sparring and more into tough guy dry humping.
I did the walk of shame in nothing but a sleeping bag and now I'm on my way to pick up plan B. Let's not make a habit of this.
Sounds like a good New Years
We thought it was a good idea to send a picture to our HS science teacher where she's smoking a joint and I'm holding a monkey, and he invited us to lunch. NEW LEVEL UNLOCKED.
I can't. I'm not drunk enough for this information.
I just realized I donated our bong to goodwill.. RIP Kimbo Slice
You suck, She hit so hard.
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
You can make out without kissing
Explanation needed
It's very finicky. Like baking. or BDSM.
Randomize
