Im eating ham and mustard naked, watching south park, but its totally cool cuz the paper plate is covering my nuts
some girl had on jean underwear. i hate america.
He wants to be 'in an open relationship'. Fuck that. That's the online equivalent of letting him pee in a circle around me.
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
My mom just asked me if I was gay in front of my gf
I don't understand why everytime I fuck his bestfriend he seems more interested in me...
she kept her crown on the whole time i was giving her birthday sex
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
Oh I forgot to tell u. I hit someone with my car in the RiteAid parking lot. More like a nudge.
by the time the kitchen caught on fire everyone was too drunk to be alarmed. the host just poured beer on it to put it out. how was yours?
I threw up in a mitten on my drive home. Wow.
I'm still hammered too. I started tweeting the time at one point I'm pretty sure.
It's brunch. If you find dick at brunch. You an A+ hoe.
I know her cup size but not her name....
Randomize
