I just tried to drunkenly fart the beat of Disturbia by Rihanna
I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.
As a matter of fact you told me i fulfilled your "woodshop teacher fantasy"
Im on the side of I-10 covered in sweat, cookie dough, hollandaise sauce, onion gravy, and ground beef wondering how my life I ended up here
I will cut you
Oddly enough thats the second time today someones said that to me
Put that in perspective
Exactly. Motivated vaginas are the best kind of vagina
that's the best thing i've ever said to a penis
I wish I could be happy with a nice Christian girl, but no, I need a hot mess who starts bar fights
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
Did you apologize to him for the trip to the strip club as a first date or is that something that just gets swept under the rug??
Ran into my FWB on my walk of shame and went back to her place. Even my walk of shames are awesome!!!
How was I supposed to know the accent was fake before i slept with him
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
Bruh. You offered the cashier tater tots that you had stuffed in your pocket.
Yeah, and? She might've been hungry.
Randomize
