I wonder what it would be like to be a slice of cheese.
I like waking up with a slight hangover cause I'm dehydrated and it makes me feel thinner.
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
Not many best friends can say they've all made out with a homeless guy
He brought a jar of pickles to the party. So now I've had beer, animal crackers, AND a pickle since noon.
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
I feel like everything in this room is sweating
Part of me was thinking I should go old school and get a chasity belt before the semester starts. Really lock that shit down. But then I thought, fuck that. I'm going to hit that campus like an f5 whorenado
The sound of my own breathing is making my head throb. That hungover.
I need to immerse myself in a tub of peroxide to kill whatever traces of him are on me.
A young (I'm going to guess late middle school age) kid shouted at me from the crosswalk GAS PUMP OF SHAME! I have peaked in life.
You're a disaster
Wanna date?
You're a wizard. You are a master of disguise. You are beautiful. I love you.
You just can't go back to being friends with someone after you sucked their balls
Did I honestly think it was a good idea to wear my pink robe out in public at 2 in the morning ?
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