i never thought i'd have to say "please stop having sex on me"
wow.
yeah, it was that bad.
i think guys can sense when i'm not wearing underwear
According to my dad, my tongue ring makes people assume I give a lot of blow jobs because, as stated by him "that's what it's for"
Sweet. Might not hurt to poop on the floor anyway.
and if it starts getting weird im just going to tell him i used to be a man
He gave me the "I've pictured you while jerkin off" look
don't blame me for your drunken lack of judgement
big words... still drunk. dont care. your fault.
He keeps whispering to me that he can't wait to tie my hands up with my wig?
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
just had Stella and stale goldfish for breakfast under the watchful eyes of an inflatable cactus and 5 llama pinatas. Cinco de mayo success!
I remember saying your puke looked like a jellyfish and you got very offended.
You shall now refer to my vagina as patty and patty only
We almost drove away from the bar with a British stranger in our trunk...
Relax
It's hard to relax when a woman is waxing your asshole.
Shhh embrace your inner whore. Just embrace it.
Randomize