oh my god, i just wanna eat cake off your dick
You work out of a Hotel?
why do all the strippers look like they came from fraggle rock
Im rethinking drunk tuesdays. Also rethinking ovaries.
I just snorted a line of adderall through a rolled up business card for the Michigan Law Admissions Office.... Tell me I'm not motivated
I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
he just spelled fiance, "pheancie". I dont think he's ready to get married.
You said your dick dragged you up the stairs
Did I show you my penis last night?
Actually I think I might be dying right now so if I do you have to drink all my vodka
You're so demanding.
I'm so hungover I literally am considering drinking from the fishtank to avoid getting out of bed.
Can I borrow you for, like, thirty minutes so you can lay on one boob and rub the other until I fall asleep?
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
The fact our science teacher from high school was buying us drinks and hitting on me doesn't matter.
I know its 2 in the morning and everything. But i just straight up yelled "DON'T YOU UNDERSTAND THIS WORLD IS DIFFICULT ENOUGH AS IT IS WITHOUT YOU PULLING THIS BULLSHIT ON ME" to my taco. Because it fell apart on me. I think i might be cracking under this finals pressure.
Randomize