I just came to the conclusion that the most depressing part of my day is when I have to put clothes on.
Talking to this girl is like playing minesweeper on hard. There's red flags everywhere.
just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
I think whatever his name is just puked on the stairs. Just an fyi for the morning. Love you.
If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption
I thought you just gave him blowjobs and he criticized your drug use.
There is a large scratch and bruise about the size of a pizza bagel next to my vagina. Please text back if you know what happened.
What's the politically correct way of saying you've made someone your bitch?
Shouting "one vagina to rule them all" was probably not the best way to meet our best mates fiance
I feel like I missed the land of milk and honey and instead wound up in the land of beer and pizza. And yet, I think I'm happier here.
We used to bone, but now she's my life coach.
i'm so glad to be in bed i'd like to thank the acadermy
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
No no no, I want to share him with you. Think of it as me sharing a piece of delicious pie with you. He was THAT GOOD.
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