I have a dream, to one day wake up next to a girl, walk to the washroom and kick her kids toys out of the way. That day has come, yes we can.
no one will drink with you if you continue to listen to beyonce
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
I don't think you seem to understand this concept. WHEN A GAY GUY HANDS YOU A DAIQUIRI, YOU DRINK IT.
Dude, did you really "knight me" and tell me I had permission to bang your sister last night?
I'm pretty sure we scarred one of our coworkers. This is the second time he has caught us both fully undressed and banging at work.
Either he has bad timing or he wants to join.
adding to the list of how to lure in freshman boys: take dogs for a walk, yell at them from across the street, sit on the curb at 3 in the morning sobbing
him and the cab driver we buy e from got into a fist fight, about which show is better, futurama or family guy.
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
I'm eating Doritos at 9am because last nights weed is just now starting to wear off
reason #1 why i should never live alone: i haven't put pants on since she left 26 hours ago. and ive made spaghetti 3 times.
A boy just offered to come over and help me clean my house. I hope you are more successful than he will be tonight.
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
The beauty of getting kicked out of college again is I can fuck my professor's brains out and she can't get fired now
I didn’t want a minivan, but I have to admit it’s made it a lot easier to hook up with the dilfs at soccer tournaments
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