The bar is filled with bros right now. Sucks I had to pay $5 to find that out.
I told my new friends about my possible new chin. They said I should get my nose done first. Please tell me I'm pretty or something.
Nah, lets use your guy, my drug dealer is going all pineapple express on me
This is the last time I call a hotel to see if you or some random guy paid for the room last night.
i had the all of mcdonalds chanting USA as he motorboated you
nope im down the street in my car watching the front of her house. its actually less creepy than it sounds
Also when they left they could only find one sock between the two of them. Apparently we're like crazy sock ripping vixens when we bring guys home drunk
Shoot me. I need tickles, a drink, sushi and a handy
Order is debatable
You know what my problem is? I'm like a machine designed for the sole intention of removing the pants from damaged girls.
You're obviously not trying hard enough. GET LAID. Kittens die for less.
Touche salesman.
Need your help. Dad's drunk and trying to build a still in the basement.
NM he's asleep in a pile of towels. They need to ease people back into Hockey Night in Canada.
So, when I got arrested, they fingerprinted me. I'm getting my nails done right now and I'm pretty sure he's filing off my prints. Worth the $30.
That's what he gets for shittin at the strip club. Who does that??
How exactly does one go about seducing an older, possibly blind gentleman?
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
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