I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
I wish the health center treadmills counted beers burned not calories
Let's face it. We both have sexy parts. Why not have them touch?!
You are just a treasure cave of fabulous alcoholic ideas.
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
get back quick. that 17 year old who peed on your car wants to do shots.
Almost threw up on my grandmother as she walked in the house. Had to run to the bathroom and vomit my brains out. Prolly getting taken out of the Will now.
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
No man we're leaving now. The party will probably be busted soon. O and a bitch started throwing knives around the place, like real actual knives.
That was the night you tried to convince me you threw up your sould because your throwup was black
I can't take my grandparents out somewhere where I've fucked half the staff.
I'm just impressed that you can puke without losing your gum
Your vagina needs to teach my vagina its ways.
I woke up this morning to find my closet lacking 98% of my clothes and a text from my male roommate saying your dresses squeeze my genitals
This toilet bowl is my home.
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