I got wasted for the 1st time and I sat in a fridge for 2 hours and a trash can?
I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
what's the name of that soccar player i bit again?
I'm just gonna ignore the fact that I have no pants on and find a way home. A good one-nighter never goes back for his pants.
it was like vegas minus all of the penis and death threats
I just walked in on my lesbian roommate having sex in the kitchen, and it was awesome. We proceeded to shots naked together. Happy birthday to me.
you were like "guys ... i think i got fingered while dancing tonight"
our poor poor cab driver
You kept saying you only wanted to drink until you were sleepy. You succeeded if "sleepy" means you sleepied around with 4/6 of the guys there.
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
I've been on the toilet for an hour. On a six day bender. My ass feels like its leaking vodka
Some nice lady just gave me a beer out of her purse. I love youth hockey
In the morning he said my plan to make 2 casseroles today was, "hot in a grandma sort of way," & I didn't think it was weird. THAT'S how hot he was.
Getting a blow job while breaking up with my gf helps cope with the pain... Kinda weird her best friend is giving me the BJ
At this point, I would not mind getting hit by a truck. It would mean I could get this over with quicker.
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