You're in luck. The brownies don't even have butter, just vege oil
Rosebud was a fucking sled. Gay.
I rubbed one out into an envelope and mailed it to her. Game point, I win.
We got drunk before dinner. People at the other tables were praying for us.
sweetheart all i remember is you throwing up and saying "i thought things would be better now that barack obama is president"
I drink more single than I do in relationships. Except with assface.
Fuck my life, there's a fry in my vagina.
When you put the phrases "just out of shower" and "did you get the picture" that close together, a picture of hamburger helper is not exactly what I expected to pop up.
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
He sent me a dick pic, and it had smeared lipstick on it. So I sent him the pic of my tit with the hickey ring your brother gave me.
I just gargled with NyQuil
I couldn't figure out what was more important, finishing the shot or putting out the fire on my leg.
you were so drunk that when the mouse on your laptop didnt work anymore you decided to just take it into the bathroom and pee on it while laughing like a mad scientist.
I'm currently drunk proofing my room
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
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