It's pretty bad when the convenient store clerk can tell you that you're earlier than usual for visiting the store.
So I just went home and made my own spanx by cutting the legs off of a pair of nylons. I'm either a genius or missed my calling to live in a trailer park.
My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
So the waitress at the Chinese Buffet totally just said "Adios" to a Hispanic couple. There's something you don't see every day.
spending the week with her family was quite possibly the longest ive ever gone without having a boner
What hospital were we in last night? Insurance needs to know
I just realized my mom and I make the same noises when we have sex. Fuck.
They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.
Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong
I kept resisting the urge to yell "2 for 2!" so they could hear me on the other side of the wall.
Yeah. I don't know. I'm just gonna show up at her place on valentines day with a jock strap, box of chocolates, and rose clenched between my ass cheeks with "be mine" written across my glorious man titties.
I've seen too many dicks in the past week. I can't do it anymore.
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
It makes me so happy that my local liquor store has a black lab that is there every day. Really tho - it makes the higher prices excusable.
I think I achieved my goal of being high for 24 hours in the same week I promised myself I wouldn't smoke anymore
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