Dude you just kept yelling "She was my first asain!" right in front of her.
I think I am morally bankrupt
Dude im not sure whos apartment i woke up in but i just showered here and their shampoo in phenomenal
this boner is exhausting
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
The crowning achievement of my weekend was hooking up with someone I'm at least facebook friends with.
i just saw the eighteen different ways i could die and only after that did i realize i'd made a poor decision
no, throwing your underwear at it is not the solution to everything
You said "sustain yourself" quietly over and over as you fed joeys hamster cashews. Acid you is a trip
And have you ever tried to explain a hickey to your own grandmother?
You FaceTimed me to show me he was sucking your tit
So I'm just casually at the grocery store when I remember that there's still a clove of garlic in my vagina
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
It's alright. I'm just trying to make her realize you're not good enough for her.
he asked if he should bring the trash can into the room.. apparently i shoved my finger all over his face and said.. shhhh dont talk... just take your pants off.
Randomize