Well I'm going to a gay club in my banana suit. You should come. My bro is going as a pirate. I don't know if there's a theme.
I am so high I am beginning to unironically like Vanessa Carlton.
it felt like the flash was giving me a handjob
He passed out while I was riding him, and just when I was about to call it quits he opens his eyes and squeezes my boobs and goes Honk! Honk!
My TA just asked me why I was late to class. How do I say because I was having the best orgasm of my life in Arabic?
It was like having sex with a donkey. Everytime she got close she would kick me.
once you started introducing yourself as "running-bear" i knew you were beyond fucked up
I think this agreement was sent by God. I get to do my own thing, get laid, and he still makes me breakfast in the morning.
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
It's like the dark age of my sex life being stuck here
What happened to no more shots?
It went out the window just like my dreams
I don't think I'll get invited back. I drunkenly told her that her kids would be perfect for a pro-abortion campaign.
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
ah lol cocaine is strange when I dose I feel like an elephant running through a grocery store
She can't take shots?!? Literally if I could list that as a skill on a resume I would
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