I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
This old guy in denny's is sitting alone and he is looking at us and laughing for no reason
I don't wanna do a drive in or see a movie tonight. I wanna play some Golden Tee and butt fuck a girl in the bathroom of some bar and proceed with Golden Tee
she was left over bi-product, like the hotdog of the human race
i literally forgot his name and just started calling him "waffles"
You totally left a blue butt print on our banister
Well I think we can all agree that that's better than then bowl of puke I left last time.
My vibrator challenges you to a duel.
Ginormous penis in the breeze, cumming champagne showers into your eye
Your mother liked my album on facebook that's only filled with drunk pictures. I don't know what to feel about this
He told me he wished he could shrink down to a small size so he could live inside my cleavage
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
dave might be using McDoubles to pay for dances
he has gotten at least 7 lap dances out back
I quit doing blow for him. If that doesn’t say “I’m in love with you and want to marry you” idk what does
...i have a beer in one hand, and a chicken wing in the same. typical tuesday, right?
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