i wish there were pregnant emoticons
my little brother just caught me blowing my step cousin in the lobby bathroom at our family reunion
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
she is like cheap alcohol. you can only get so buzzed before you get sick.
There's a transgender game of twister in the basement...God doesnt want me to type this paper.
She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
your friend did not want a bj. we need to leave. this is very awkward.
I don't know where he learned to eat pussy but I thought I was going blind
Hows cali? I thought of you as I shaved 1/4 of my legs last night.
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
Like, yea, let's talk sexy but also...LOOK! I SAW A CAT!
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
Eating pizza in the bath tub while watching a romantic comedy alone. I reached a new level of single.
According to the rule of quantum porn mechanics, the mere thought of something kinky causes it to exist. So out there, somewhere, there is already riddler/smurf porn...
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
Randomize
