I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
I just google mapped his house on satellite so i can really see how much money he has. Does that make me shallow?
dude, boobs are like the porridge in goldylocks
i am positive it's ok to drink. it's just pieces of the plastic knife i forgot was in the blender.
We eventually had to ration the melon vodka. 10 pushups per shot. THATS why my arms hurt
Just ran four miles to popeye's. And back. Dedication.
I can pinpoint my loss of innocence as the moment I started masturbating with my teddy bears
I just feel like everything is too perfect
He's probably a serial killer or chronic masturbator
Or both. Which is common
You work today? I woke up with a raging boner that was whispering your name
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
I just found a weed leaf in my leg hair..
Times have changed. Freshman year I could throw my shirt in a bonfire and still get laid. Now when I puke in my girlfriend's bed on her birthday I'm "an asshole"
I already left my house once this summer. Maybe we could do something in October.
I didn’t want to see that boob. I told her not to show me but she said “no, I’m going to show you”
Hey do u remember the time we used my mascara wand as a drink stirer?
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