Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
we had a 10 minute conversation with his family about how I don't let him eat me out. I want to go home
remind me not to fuck anymore half bald 20 year olds. because obviously there's attachment issues
I'm not afraid to fist fight your child if I feel he is standing in between me and some tacos.
He doesn't care. He wouldn't care if my vag grew arms and smacked him in the face.
I'm gonna take off my shirt and spin it around my head like petey Pablo so u can find us
I just made cupcakes.... Vodka icing. Results in the morning.
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
You could woo kevin with a boquet of breakfast burritos. He loves those burritos. You could use the hot sauce packets like babies breathe
I can recall having this conversation with a three year old, but go on
No kiss but I got free McDonald's so at least we can focus on what is really important here
Don't be weirded out, but my bondage straps are made of my ex boyfriend's curtains
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
it's like the easy bake oven version of plastic surgery
Don’t judge me
Some of us don’t have access to dick on a constant basis
Randomize
