Coming down off exstacy at a church event. Resisting the urge to dance to the church hymns.
So me and friend just finished Eiffel towering this girl and sounds great in theory but after the high five has commenced its just a weird threesome especially when you make eye contact with your buddy during the session
It smells like wine and fried chicken. Im confused and intrigued.
Its a good night to get drunk in my onesie.
He tells me he loves me and I say I just want him for sex, then he looks at me like I just said I hate puppies. What kind of guy is he?
Love is....waiting for your girl to throw up her shot in the bathroom...then handing her her beer. Game face.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
You sent me a cat video and you screaming drunkenly in my background
Taking care of a girl who just peed on my floor so tonight is not a good night for sex
I'm sorry I lead life with my vagina.
I started carrying sissors in my purse to open plan B with. Both ashamed and proud.
wtf guys I thought we agreed on no more knives. So much for not destroying the house
The fact our science teacher from high school was buying us drinks and hitting on me doesn't matter.
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
We've been taking shots, cranking Marilyn Manson, and eating your bacon. Your kid is probably ruined.
Randomize
