We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
I wish I loved anything like you love Tequila.
ugh. my friday night is playin' Farmville on my face. time to harvest the blackheads...
I woke up to the bathroom door of steak n shake hitting me in the face at 4 in the morning...
We were walking home when he passed out, we left him. Just got a call from him, hes in a jail in Canada.
cracked out the beer snorkel again. that thing has a five for five record of getting me naked.
Home. Hour long discussion with mom. Very frightened. Eating a sausage. Don't remember making it. Confused.
I was just laying in bed wondering if there's more important things in life than cheese stuffed pretzels.
He thought my hair would soak it up. I HAD TO CUT IT OFF.
Why is there a muffler in the livingroom?
First, I just want to say that I had nothing to do with it. Second, how good is your car insurance?
It's like we're in an emotionally distant three-way and there's not even sex to show for it.
I got with a bridesmaid and a server as well as put an $80 tab in rum and coke under the name Emerson Iglesias. Are you sure it wasn't my wedding?
Please tell me I didn't send you a dick pic in the middle of Peter Pan..
Hold on, I'm taking nudes in a blanket fort right now
Who else has a jello penis in their fridge?!
Randomize
