I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
You gave him head? He fingered you? A little bit of make out?
WHAT THE FUCK ITS LIKE YOU WERE THERE
i have to start hiding my credit card when i drink i woke up this morning with 4 emails from Farmville telling me i spent over $800 on coins last night
I can't wait til my little brother reaches the point where puking doesn't mean we stop drinking
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
Like I said I'm looking on the bright side. The bright side just happens to be filled with penis attached to hot marines
He has until sunday, then my legs are officially closed to him
Incoming: this is a booty call. To accept, please reply with an appropriate time. To reject, please reply "N" and the information will be filed for future reference.
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
I am drinking green tea.... My liver is in shock
...I think I just watched a boy make a sandwich seductively. What.
Decided to make myself tequila gummy bears but got impatient and just drank the bowl of tequila.
How good was the sex? She sent me a fruit basket the next day.
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