I'm pretty sure my roommate has taken plan B more times than i've had sex. Not sure how that makes me feel.
I should do something nice for her. Like sign her up for "What Not To Wear."
ok so hold on... from what i hear... thank you... i'm sorry... and your welcome.
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
Its not christmas eve unless I give him head. I wont take no for an answer
I puked walking onto the plane. How do you think my post-Birthday hangover went?
He said I kept trying to give him directions back to my house in Rhode Island, and that I started crying when he told me I live in Phoenix.
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
Well, you're 18 and dating a 28 year old. Who has a wife. Who isn't you. I would guess that's why your mom frowns upon the relationship.
On a serious note, don't let me forget to tell you about firecracker baseball. I'm glad I have my fingers. I had to count them.
I am now picking what guy I will hang out with based on how many Pokémon they live near.
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
That was before I lit my hair on fire
At Target. Everyone is stocking up on food and flashlights for this storm. I stocked up on beer. Dont judge me, it was on sale...
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