very cute, but more "I wanna put you in my pocket and keep you as a pet" and less "please bang me" type of cute.
almost just walked around my whole building with my bowl in my hand before i remembered 420 isnt a get out of jail free card
He just helps fat girls get exercise. One walk of shame at a time.
Margaritas are 250 calories. Now measuring all food in margaritas
She literally crushed my balls between her butt cheeks. It was both the greatest and worst thing ever. Dancers are awesome.
Someone shat in our tub last night. I'm not pointing fingers but you priors make you a prime suspect.
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
My drug dealer bought me a book for Christmas. What a gentleman.
Btw "you gettin a workout in" isn't a great gym pickup line. Like no I'm fucking grabbing lunch on my way to class.
Jello shots and homoerotic movie scenes bingo?
Dick is the cure to depression. I'm almost positive. And cough syrup.
stupid neighbors doing stupid yard work with their stupid kids when i want to do drugs in the backyard
We're like a married couple, but we only have sex on college holidays and other people's birthdays.
Finally fucked my buddy's mom!! We are both ten years older and for her it really shows but i hit it!!
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