YEA!!! I'll throw you a non-baby shower.
mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
you should wait a day or two to break up with your girlfriend
why?
so we can have sex in the meantime. It adds a little excitement.
I hope my liver is having as much fun as I am
I awoke in a cab to find myself on a ride to niagara falls. Apparently I paid the cab driver half up front.
Next time when I try to seductively eat onion rings while drunk remind me of tonight.
Crumbling up chips, putting them in salsa, eating with spoon. New level of stoner fatassery. Its so genius/delicous i'm not even ashamed
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
New life rule, no banging opera singers. I might be a little deaf now
They have some sort of agreement that they can sleep with other people if it helps then achieve their goal, or something like that
How awkward
Yeah it's pretty fucked up
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
Everyone should just give me a copy of their keys. I take your dog out and I bring beer.
Sooo, did you delete me cause I said I wouldn't babysit you while you did shrooms? You're a grown man.
so i just met a former male stripper who has a lion king tattoo. new BFF? i think yes
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
Randomize
