Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
That's the last time I fill my pockets with sushi.
Judging by her face, I'd say she's at least dabbled with meth...
Watching the gap toothed girl get more ass than me is almost devastating.
I've got to stop giving the gift of vagina for every occasion. I'm exhausted.
Oh my Christ. I just came so hard my penis stood back up and took a bow afterwards. I need Thai food.
I tripped over a vacuum cleaner and fell into a beer pyramid
We may have picked the wrong resort. Brenna and I have already been propositioned for swinging twice and we've only been here 3 hours
He tried to stop traffic by waving his half eaten pizza at cars.... And we were stupid enough to cross .....??!!!
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
Just for future reference. Do not do zumba while stoned out of your mind.
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
I'm bleeding and intoxicated as I'm walking to my final right now. Wish me luck
i cant believe the cop was fine with you saying no we are in a hurry when he asked to search your car
i just woke up in my dog's bed, on my parents floor, my outfit on backwards, and a bottle of lube poured down my pocket.
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