I'm playing the sound guy on a porno set
cab driver gave us mini bottles of jd for the ride home & proceeded to run every red light. wonder how many bottles he drank.
don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
the bottle said: caution extremely flammable. so that was my motivation.
Every single time I start thinking that we shouldn't have done that to him, I think of his ballsack in our passed out faces. No sympathy.
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
I found the bottle of ketchup and sobe you tried to hide in the middle of the lawn last night
Yeah her jello shots are the next closest thing to a lethal injection. That potent.
i think i need to institute a "if your dick has been in my mouth this year i get a xmas present" policy
I'm happily sitting on the toilet cause I'm too tired to move. I'm considering making this my permanent residence. It has a lot to offer.
Oh and an honorable mention for your father's porn collection. Things I'll never forget.
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
can we drink soon
I'm not sure who this is but I'm free tomorrow night
He waved at a guy who drove by while we were having sex in the back of a rental car in a hospital parking garage prior to visiting family. Almost made me feel guilty but I liked it too much.
The day will come again young grasshopper. For now you must complete your training of patience and tongue biting
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