i want to give my vagina back to god and say no thank you
he actually used the line "do you have a map, because i'm lost in your eyes" and i was to drunk to care
You had a towel around you and you called it your shot bib.
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
I was about to smoke a bunch of weed and lay naked while I cried all day
Gym?
Sweet baby Jebus, no. I'm Motley Crue hungover. This must be how it feels to rail a line of ants.
RE-DICK-YOU-LUSSSSS
That's me emphasizing the ridiculous
The 78 year old woman who works next to me divorced her ex husband, remarried her first husband, and retired all in one day. I'd say it makes your breakup on Valentine's day pretty insignificant.
That's a good 5 hours of "I have no fucking idea what I did".
I can't believe we really went to walgreens to use their cork opener, bounced and drank a bottle of wine in a sketchy corner...
Really this has to stop, if they get any younger we will be breaking the law
I just want you to know you're the worst sister ever.
If this is about me and your ex, it's not my fault she doesn't like men.
I'm worried about us. We are almost 30 and we still drink jaeger bombs till we black out. Wait, no I'm not. I'm excited about us.
long story short... we may or may not have lost your car.
Randomize
