ARI BLEW A 2.0 HAHAHAHAHAHHAHH THESE COPS ARE SO COOL!!!!
I really think my ability to vom without making noise mmight be my most useful talent
I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
Things to remember: Girls don't appreciate it when you yell "Beast Mode!" when switching to doggy style.
Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
Last night after we fucked, I washed my vag in vodka so I wouldn't get an STD
Or, you could have used a condom
should we take a power nap before our cocaine gets here?
I'm thankful she wil die Alone. And I'm thankful I slept wiht her cousin. And brother.
Apparently she buried shit in the snow back in January and now that it's melted I found a flip flop, 4 spoons, a bottle of smirnoff, and 14 different candy bars
you sat in the middle of your kitchen floor feeding your dog blueberries one by one
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
I am literally drinking 7 day old water and looking for snacks in my room so I won't have to go in the hall and see roommate, because we accidentally banged last night. Please bring over some chicken and plan b.
someday i'll meet a man and who loves me as much as i love getting drunk and starting fires
Okay so I've been talking to the mice again and they agree with me that you're a piece of shit.
Saw a sign that said the chorus of never gonna give you up was enough time to wash your hands. Coronavirus has Rick rolled me.
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