My cock was attacked by outdoor plants
So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
you were the other women for BOTH people in the relationship?
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
I envy the lives of milf's kids, the little kid grabs her tits and she just laughs and says not now
I am a terrible person. This is almost as bad as when I was going to see my ex while my boyfriend was at that funeral.
You know the party was great when the birthday girl gets arrested
Woman at starbucks on her computer with a garbage bag of popcorn and a bottle of lotion. Where are you coming from?!
It has been so long since I got any action that I have decided to change my vagina's name from "the chamber of judgement" to "the cave of forgotten dreams".
i'm not saying you're gay. i'm just saying all my gay friends think you have a great ass.
It was 16 hours of liver killing mistake making goodness
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
You yelled "Shame!" like you were that bitch from Game of Thrones and then hit my balls full force with your sports bra
I have to stop at Sheetz to put my bra back on before I meet you hold on
Jack and I got in a huge fight at 6am. He fell asleep when I was giving him head so I freaked. We were both black out so I made a memo in my phone reminding me
Randomize
