I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
Now I have to picture Dave Letterman having sex with all these women. Im the real victim.
I think my plan to not drink this week was just ruined by my mothers discovery of the chat function on facebook
I want someone to please me without me having to show him steps 1 through 5
Excuse me by sucking dick i am fighting crime. Just think of all the prostitues going out of business and getting real jobs.
I am so 35 right now. Listening to REM, drinking red wine, and crying over an article about ecstasy in oprah magazine.
Looks like I've become the Walter White of my PhD cohort.
And after we debated politics. My dream come true: naked, just got done having great sex with a hot mixed guy, talking about why social welfare programs are a bad idea
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
Like did I tell you about the ex Amish guy? Because that was a mess
Can you tell dad to stop liking and sharing porn on FB again?
I am naked and annoyed.
You kept running around yelling "I need my pajamas" & then you got naked. Shit just went downhill from there.
I was so drunk, he put me to bed and went down stairs to hang out with his friends. Apparently, I was curled up in the closet, spooning the dresser when he came back up.
Everyone has seen your nipples. It's like asking if they ever walked on grass. You need better hangover questions.
Randomize
