My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
she said if she won the lottery she'd fuck me... isn't that like government funded prostitution?
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
I'd recommend you leave that level of crazy to the experts. I'd start with an under appreciated soccer mom if I were you.
This hurricane was the perfect excuse to buy 2 pounds of animal crackers and a case of beer. It's on Sandy.
Lab coat again saves the day - hiding embarrassing shart evidence...
I found three vicadin and a pint of fireball with the note. In case of emergency drink me under their sink.
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
I give all credit to my lucky thong, there's never a time I haven't gotten laid while wearing it
Your shirt... Was in my pants
Tbh I would eat a grilled cheese off your dick.
Also, why does our bed smell like mayonnaise?
You cuddled up under the blanket because you said it smelled like Santa and vodka.
he was almost the father of your baby, you should let him take you to dinner
If I look at him, he starts sobbing. Please come get him; he's scaring the cats.
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