In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
Wanna demo a makeout? Check box yes or no. Or maybe. Okay bye.
She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
You're pretty and everything..but you aren't worth the DUI
we watched a tutorial on how to do guidette makeup
My mother just asked me if i ever swallow the goods...should i be concerned?
i wanted to tell my neighbors to shut up it was 4am, but listening to her rag on him for his minute man routine was actually entertaining
The coffee from our coffee maker just hasn't tasted normal since we made Mac n cheese in it that one time....
I gave the naked guy in the hotel a pop tart. He stopped crying.
You went full blown lifeguard... You wouldn't let me sleep until I was in the safety position, so I wouldn't die in my sleep...
You know I love you. I just don't love your penis.
Well you were listening to music and having sex really loudly. How was I supposed to know you'd hear me making rocket sounds?
i'm not so sure everythign we did last night was legal...
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
Two of us got arrested. Gonna be delayed a bit. Save me a burger.
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