yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
What are these yellow papers in the kitchen?
These are the tickets we got last night.
Did i sign this one as Grizzly Bear?
Yes...yes you did.
The only reason why I invited him to my party was because he is suicidal.
You know you're wathing too much reality TV when you start adding commentary to every day life.
my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
FYI If I die in my sleep it is because I drank a bottle of coke from 1986. I needed a mixer
is it cool if i crash at ur house this weekend again bro
yea dude but i wld bring a sleeping bag or something just in case. or u may just have to shack up with a woman or 2 cuz we hav 10 girls visiting/staying over at my house.
how did u manage to make sleeping with a bunch of girls sound like an inconvenience?
I had to photo shop your nipple piercings. that was extremely awkward.
its sad im about to start saving up for how drunk i need to be for the holidays
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
we're the same shoe size and he owns more pairs of heels than i do. this could be the beginning of a beautiful friendship
Tell him "come over but don't bring a flaccid dick"
Wear something tight
The cop looked me right in the eye and apologized for cock blocking me.
I swear if you laugh while im moaning i will immediately stop and go home.
Drunk me also decided it would be funny to change all the passwords on my computer last night. Now I can't log into anything.
Randomize