Guys who wear capris make me want to kill endangered species.
I assumed she put out when I heard her friend call her "dickbutt"
Did you draw a mustache on my drivers license picture??
I didn't have a rubber, but my dick had a date with a clorox wipe after we finished. I think I'm in the clear.
I can't wait til my little brother reaches the point where puking doesn't mean we stop drinking
Apparently I gave him a 'Steve jobs blowjob'
That's cause you yelled across the parking lot you wanted to eat her out
I feel like I need to get a restraining order against him but I'd probably be the one to break it.
The problem with never associating with your roommate is that you never know if they're dead in their room with the door closed or just gone for the weekend...I sprayed some febreeze just in case.
So some sort of safe sex group just flash mobbed the bar by putting condoms over people's beers.
They left screaming as a hale of lubbed up condoms rained into their hair.
Any time you can't remember a night, and you wake up in a sorority house, it's fucking worth it.
So I just went to 3 different stores because there is no way I can walk out of one store with this many reeses and still have my pride.
He was basically a horny puppy - following me around all night and kept sticking his hand down my pants.
Oh and it took quite a bit of doing, but I managed to wipe my butt with the hat you left in my car
I’m a women at a strip club dressed as post Malone
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