I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.
she started talking about my kids
was she topless?
You say "arrested with two drunk girls" like it's a bad thing....
Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
shes a baton twirler.. i expected her to be better with her hands.
It's official, I've know hooked up with everyone I carpooled with in middle school
Might be time to reevaluate my life. Banned from red roofs inns. Apparently I puked in ice machine. 3 hotels in a year.
I was smelling my bathroom to make sure it didn't reek of weed...I spaced out and realized I was face to the wall sniffing it for 5 minutes.
you guys just sat there and simultaneously smoked bowls staring at each other... it was like a bowl off or something.
It looks like I colored my belly button red at some point
You're asking your pregnant booty call to go to a funeral with you?
He doesn't like Sabbath and that alone is a GIANT red flag. Learn from my experiences and never, I mean NEVER associate with people that hate Black Sabbath and Motörhead.
Nothing ruins your day more than waking up to you dogs crotch in your face
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
Randomize
